5 to 1: A Magic Ratio For A Healthy Marriage

Photo by Bellezza Photography

Being engaged and preparing for a wedding is such a special time, and it should be. Family and friends surround the happy couple, participating in the joy and celebration. But one thing we all know to be true is that not all couples make it. We never want to say the “D” word, but the sad reality is that divorce is a common occurrence. So is there anything a couple can do to protect and strengthen their marriage? The good news is that marriages don’t usually unravel or break up on their own, and it rarely happens overnight.

What are the warning signs? The answer may surprise you, because it isn’t anything big or drastic. They are just in the day to day interactions you have with your spouse, particularly the quality of these interactions. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has been able to determine that there is a specific ratio of positive to negative interactions that occur in healthy marriages versus ones that end in divorce. What is this magic ratio? It is 5 to 1.

So how can you take this information and use it to help make sure your marriage remains healthy? One way to apply this information would be to start by simply observing and tracking your current interactions. If your findings show that you are not meeting the 5 to 1 ratio, you can do one of two things. You can either increase your positive interactions or decrease your negative interactions. Ideally you would do both. Most couples’ negative interactions consist of bickering or complaining about little things: who is going to do the dishes, take out the dog, etc. and the number of those interactions can increase during times of stress or transition in our lives. If you are aware of these negative interactions you can make a conscious effort to try and reduce them. On the flip side you can also focus on increasing your positive interactions. They can be little things, such as hugging and kissing your spouse goodbye each day, thanking them for picking up groceries,
or sharing how your day was.

The reassuring news is that conflict is okay and inevitable in a marriage, but as a long as you have enough positive interactions, your marriage can handle it. Think of each positive interaction with your spouse as a deposit in your marriage bank account; adversely, each negative interaction is a withdrawal from this account. And, like a real bank account, you never want to withdraw more than you have in your account.

 By Bina Bird