Self Gift of Marriage

I want to tell you about something that has really touched the depths of my life in regard to marital happiness and human fulfillment in general. I have always wondered about the human obsession with “love.” As soon as my hormones switched on in middle school I started noticing boys and wanting to be noticed. I wanted to be found attractive; I wanted to be asked out. I wanted to be chosen and I dreamed about finding my one, lifelong love. I loved songs about “love” and loved movies about “love.” I wanted a love that is true, a love that accepts me completely, the good and the bad, a love that will never give up on me. I wanted the real deal. Before I was married, I didn’t even really know what this looked like, but I knew I wanted it. I wanted fulfillment in love.

When I was in my twenties I heard something that described this real love and fulfillment that I was seeking. St. John Paul the Great said, “Man only truly finds himself in making a sincere gift of himself.” What did this mean to me? This put words to the desire of my heart when I thought about what I was seeking in life. I wanted deep love. I wanted to give myself totally to a man who would do the same to me. I wanted to be “all in” on a marriage with a man who was “all in” too. In hearing those words of St. John Paul, I suddenly understood my own desires. I didn’t just desire to be happily married. I desired to belong to someone, to invest my whole self in a love that is greater than the two of us together.

I thought long and hard about this statement. It seemed to flip my understanding of love on its head. Love does make us happy; marriage ought to give us joy. But the core of love and fulfillment is actually beyond just the feelings of love and happiness. The core of love is CHOOSING to love, by giving myself for the good of the other.

In trying to find my place in this world, to find who I am, I realized that the answer lies in giving myself to others, without selfish intentions. In marriage, we give ourselves in this way on a level that encompasses the totality of our beings. We give everything we are! In the vows we promise, “for better or for worse… till death do us part.” When both spouses love in a selfless way, choosing to put the needs of their mate before their own, their marriage flourishes. And as I realized from St. John Paul, in giving of myself in this way, I get back more than I could have ever imagined, and in ways more beautiful and profound than I would have ever dreamed. Love like this can test us to our limits, but it is the real deal.

Real, self-giving love takes so many forms, big and small. An ordinary, small act of love might be just to go to my spouse’s favorite restaurant, and go happily, even if I don’t like eating there. Or another might be to put down my phone when we talk so I can give my undivided attention to my spouse. In these small ways I give up what I want in that moment out of love for my spouse.

Sometimes in marriage I may need to give of myself in a much greater way. My spouse might be irritable for months due to stress at work. What will I do? After a month I could selfishly demand: “Just get over it!” Or I could choose again to be patient and empathetic. Or I may be challenged if my spouse has long-term depression or anxiety. Will I choose to lash out as my frustration builds? Or will I choose to set myself aside and show support and compassion. Often these daily, small choices to love add up to a much deeper gift of self. Acts such as these demonstrate a love that is mature, that is self-less, that is REAL.

Honestly in marriage sometimes I think I can’t give in ways asked of me. Sometimes marriage can feel like “I didn’t sign up for this!” But often these moments are chances for me to love bigger, to love truer. They are chances to give myself in a way that says I am truly “all in.”

By Leslie Brown

Photo by Studio 11 Photography